A love affair should always be a honeymoon. And the only way to make sure of that is to keep changing the man; for the same man can never keep it up.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
From weeks and weeks of exploring, freedom and escape which has made feel so complete and truly happy, a very real reality check has pegged me back. I was never under any delusions that this journey would be easy or without its hurdles and so many have been broken with great results. Every challenge that has been overcome has given me strength and a pleasant feeling of varying degrees. For the first time a challenge has been overcome and I do not feel positive about it.
The scenario came about whilst out celebrating my brothers birthday in central London, I was in good spirits and was enjoying the night spending time with old friends. One of my friends had noticed how long my nails was and I gave a brief and very vague answer that was probably less than convincing and I think he was picking up on signs that something was different. Later on in the evening I decided that this very observant friend deserved the truth after asking me if I was ok and stating that I seemed distant and was acting strangely. I am having a very hard time in controlling the woman now, walking, general mannerism and some other tell tale signs are very natural to me now and it feels wrong to confide myself and lie to the world. It is like an automatic process and I do not even realise it is happening a lot of the time. I took him to the side and showed a picture of me wearing a dress and my wig. At first he was taken aback but soon gathered his thoughts, and explained that I ‘actually make a pretty fit bird’.
That was a good start but as the discussion carried on my friend realised this whole journey really meant that he would lose a childhood mate and be left with a new female friend. I explained that my personality will remain the same and just my exterior will be drastically changed, also how if I do not go ahead with this I am running the risk of becoming extremely depressed. This was accepted but then something sad happened which made me realise this is going to be very hard for some of my friends and family to accept on the whole. My friend explained that seeing me as a woman will be very upsetting for him and he does not know if he can deal with it. I have known this person for almost twenty years and I am now very scared that going through with this will mean leaving people behind.
After reading some others posts about losing people along the journey I had a very dismissive approach to it at first. I thought that none of friends would have any troubles accepting this change and that it would happen seamlessly. This is only the first person I have talked to and it has left me with the knowledge that more pain is to come. It has, however, strengthened my resolve and there is still no doubt that I am going ahead with my transition. I am still strong and level headed about what I need, want and have to do.
The honeymoon has ended and reality is here and very much testing me to my limits. I can only hope that I lose as little of my friends as possible and find the acceptance I will require to live my new life.