When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
I read through an interesting forum thread about choosing to transition. Many answered that it was anything but a choice and a necessity to their being, they did not choose but had to go through with it. I thought about this notion and looked inward to find my own answer to this question.
I went back to just before I started to transition and tried to put myself back in the mind of the lost soul. It was scary and slightly depressing because I have come so far over the last ten months since I took the plunge and really now understand what a state I was in.
I had just broke up with a partner a couple of months previously, the usual ‘not made for each other’ type affair. It was not as amicable as it could have been but everything sorted itself out after a couple of weeks. I had decided to throw myself back into the London fetish scene and was again experimenting with cross-dressing while having fun with some new found friends. However, I routinely found myself waiting for my train home from work having the most awful thoughts about making it all go away. My thought process went something along the lines of realising my life was going nowhere, being very unhappy and then thinking the solution would be to fall in front of the train that took me back home to further depression.
This cycle was something that happened regularly throughout my working week but deep down I am far to considerate of my fellow passengers to disrupt the whole train service. I will never know if I would have gone through with suicide and it is not a subject I wish to dwell on because many trans folk have been at its door and too many go through it.
Not long after a strong urge towards suicide I sat down with myself and worked out why I felling it was a good idea. Faith had been screaming inside me for about six months at this stage and she forced the horrible man to finally listen to sense. Although I do not suffer from split personality I find describing my situation as living with two people inside to make some sense of it for myself. The depressed man took on all the home truths and reluctantly realised that if he was allowed to continue he would be destroying both of me and that was simply unfair. We made a deal, give Faith a chance to see if she can make anything of ourselves in this world and if she can lead us to happiness. (Before anyone says it I am not Golem!)
An agreement was reached and I threw myself into research and looking for some understanding about changing gender. It was scary at first but reading others stories and advice I soon realised this was something to explore and called my GP. There has not been one thought of turning back since and the man has disappeared.
I shudder to think where I was a year ago and really hate reading news stories about suicide as I can relate, as can many others. There is fluctuations in our minds about whether we actually want to go ahead with it and you do have to make that choice. It is part of our community and will most likely be part of it until society and medical resources catch up with gender. I am still not sure if it is a choice to transition as it is all about becoming the person you are. Can you choose to be who you are or is about uncovering that person and bringing them out of your head? You could choose to see therapists to ‘get over’ your dysphoria or you can run head on into this crazy world of being trans.
However you see yourself it is important to be and own that person no matter the challenges you face in being them. I had a lucky escape and broke my prison as have others, I chose life over despair and the outcome was transition. A path to happiness that widens and narrows between good, bad and indifference constantly. It beats the depression of a year ago and I count my stars everyday that I am living not simply existing.
Thinking further and not just on myself, some do not need to go all the way to find what they are looking for just as long as they beat the evil inside. Are they making a choice to find a balance or just evolving as I have? Do we ever reach the final goal? I have been reading many blogs about journeys that seem never ending and some seem to never reach the image they hold so true in their minds.
When the time comes we must be ready to take the path that leads to the outcome best suited to what is inside. The paths are many but the junctions few and far between. Even if it does not ever end will you be happy if you can at least see the end and reach toward it?