“When you are crazy you learn to keep quiet.”
Philip K. Dick
So not having any noticeable levels of testosterone in my body for the last few weeks has helped me achieve something that I never really had much experience with. Peace and quiet. My brain is not swimming with thoughts and confusion, I am free from pressures that consumed me for years. I breathe free air again and the smile strewn across my face is no coincidence and as I look to the skies my being has room to fly. The empowerment my new calmness has given me is as satisfying and as it is liberating.
Coupled with this new sense of control over my body was moving home. I think this has played a big part in this further transformation and my new home is surrounded by lovely parks and the roads are so quiet. I can now walk to work and do not have to suffer the horrors of a train commute that filled me with dread on many days. I could not imagine how good life would be a year ago.
The uncertainty of transition and how successful it will be is genuinely stressful but
having been on hormones about 8 months and now having the testosterone shots I feel I am in a good place. I am not naive, there is a long way to go and many serious decisions still to make, most notably surgery, but I can honestly say that my transition has been smooth. I count my lucky stars everyday and make sure not to get cocksure about my success. My voice slowly getting better and I gauge it by how my customers react on the phone when they call me. I would say I am almost on 50% hit rate for ‘fooling’ them into believing I am a woman on the end of the phone which is an improvement on six months ago when it was about 10%.
Finding a purpose for my life has now started to manifest in small quantities around my head. I have been so focused on creating a life that I never really put much thought into where I was actually headed. I know I wish to continue writing and work is going well for the most part. I am respected and now live in a very affluent neighbourhood where people seem kinder than where I living before. I am also living with only one person rather then family which allows me to express myself and not have to worry so much about others feelings on my transition. It feels as though opportunities will start presenting themselves and I wonder if my life will take off.
One thing that is not happening as quickly is finding my own style of clothing. I have nailed down some aspects of fashion but I do notice that I have way to many styles. This has come from lots of trial and error over the last year or so and has left me with a lopped sided wardrobe, full of clothes but lacking any sense of who I am. This is not a worry though, I am enjoying experimenting with outfits and never realised how much fun clothes could be. When I first started out it was daunting and worrying that a fashion faux pas was just around the corner, but now I mix and match with confidence.
I was afraid, at first, to wear heels to work due to being tall and not wanting to appear as a giant amongst my colleagues, but I have realised the last couple of weeks that it is fine to be tall. Since I dared that first time I have grown into feeling ‘good’ about how I am presenting at work. I am far less conservative and frumpy, the ‘safe’ look. My sharp and stylish attire is helping me express my personality through clothing which I have never been able to do before. I just do not have enough of this clothing type to take through a whole work week yet. I end up back to safe and frumpy by Friday. Anyway, I don’t need any more excuses to buy more clothes, do I!