The more you own, the more you know you don’t own.
I have not posted for a while on the account of being very busy with work and also in the middle of waiting phase of transition. I always felt when starting this blog that I would not post if I had little to say. Although there is not all that much to report I have found myself on the cusp of probably the biggest decision of my life. Following a regular appointment with the gender clinic in London my mind has swelled with the advantages and disadvantages of going ahead with reassignment surgery in the future. The doctor has urged me to start thinking hard about the future and whether or not I want to go ahead with the operation.
When this journey began over two years ago I had no real idea exactly where I was going. There was no destination or expectations. All I knew was that I had to explore myself and find a sense of happiness which for the most part has been found. I could simply stop my journey here and be thankful my life is now fruitful and has purpose. The relief of breaking down barriers and reaching for the sanctuary of freedom has allowed my path to split and now there are options instead of the endless dirt track of before. Trying to weigh up the pros and cons of surgery has been incredibly tough and now confusion has set in. The cocksure nature of my adventure so far has been brought down a peg or two with the raw reality of needing to plan for a future. Where before I was moving to freedom and happiness I now have to look much further ahead and wonder about what I want from my life, my relationships and ultimately my body.
The consequences for making the wrong decision are extremely serious, there is no going back. When I think about it in simple terms it is a great idea. It will be the end of a fantastic journey and allow me to look the part. I can have access to a more varied wardrobe, it will make me less self conscience. As you can tell from what I have just explained, looking at this decision in simple terms just becomes about the physical and aesthetic. A real lack of substance or self worth, it is about blending in and fading away. But what about me? What about the person I want to be? What kind of partners do I want? What are the potential complications? The whirlwind of confusion sets in. My exploration must continue and the haze that plagues me must subside.
Speaking with more experienced transitioners has at least allowed me to put the good, the bad and the ugly in perspective. I know not having surgery does not mean a broken life or one that is not fulfilling. And on the opposite end having the surgery does mean I lose one of the very things that makes me different and allows me to hold a sense of normality. At present, however, I like being transgender, I enjoy the attention, the conversations and feeling real, tangible. For now I am content and living life without much care. The future may be uncertain and my path not known but the excitement of finding out has been something of a mantra for me of late.
What all this pondering has allowed me to do is take a step back and really start to understand what it means to be transgender. For all the fun, acceptance and rejoicing of late a more serious side has started to rear its head. My mind is breaking down thirty years of male socialisation and new emotion and appreciations are growing inside me. For the first time there is an understanding what it is to be human and recognising others emotions at some depth. I was never a cruel person but I always had difficulties being sympathetic or empathetic because I did not know myself or what I was feeling. Now my world is ruled by complex and deep thoughts, feelings and sensation. I am alive and connecting with people on levels I never understood or even contemplated. It is difficult to break the hard exterior of masculinity away. I was never very masculine but have the parts and social experiences that need to be developed and refined quickly if my transition is to carry on being successful.
My journey is very much outwards which is a contrast to where it began as self discovery and self indulgence. Now I have to make my way in the world as the person I have uncovered from this. There is a real need to embrace society and seamlessly slip into the wave of euphoria true acceptance can bring to my life. It is not for other people to give me this on a plate I have to work hard and take my chances to show what I am made of. I enjoy meeting new people for the simple reason they have no point of reference except what they first encounter. No fading memories of the unhappy bloke or his robotic thoughts or mannerisms. True freedom awaits, once I make my mind up of course!